The Only Thing I’m Going to Explicitly Say About Politics This Election Cycle

570JXTdI’m not a big fan of politics, for a few reasons, namely because;

  • the entire system is based on lying and deceiving people to checking a fucking box, then reneging on the promises they make within the year they get voted in
  • politics is a game that only mediocre minds get involved with
  • I have just completely checked out of the human race as a whole. I really don’t care how this all ends up for you people. For the most part, it’s all the same to me.

Having said this, I am going to do my first and only article this election cycle that I really think should just be ignored. So, go ahead and ignore it.

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And There We Are… (NSFW)

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WARNING: This article is about as honest as I can get as to my current mental state. I am not in danger, nor is anyone else. I am not going to hurt anyone, or myself. So, if you think I might do something, disregard the notion. My mind is just a bit fucked these days. No, outside of these paragraphs, I *do not* wish to talk about it.

I don’t know why I bothered in the first place. Giving a shit, I mean. I mean seriously, we’re all worm food anyway. We just haven’t been eaten yet. I’ve been a step from blowing my brains out for a while now, but it hasn’t been until recently that I have accepted it as a viable way to live. Granted, I’m looked at as (more than) slightly fucked up by those I associate with, though my calm and easy going demeanor masks what is ultimately a really distressed individual.

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Cosmic Thoughts…

My-Existence-1024x682The other day, I woke up in a fit of panic. I’m 35 years old and though I have done a few things that make me happy and I am happy with the way my life is to a degree, I feel a degree of dissatisfaction with my life right now.

I went to work and asked a few questions to my co-workers, including an extremely beautiful co-worker that I happen to fancy above the rest. When I asked about the age-old question “Why do you think you’re here?” She remarked that most people don’t think about these things. I can’t just exist, and I can’t exist and not think about it.

My job is a good one, I make a decent living hanging out with friends, flirting to my heart’s content and really just living the Florida life. I don’t really know ho my job could get better with the exception of a few extra dollars. I’m sure that’s the situation for most people, though. Who couldn’t use a few extra dollars in their pocket?

My dissatisfaction doesn’t stop at the money situation though. For the most part, my bills are paid and I live a comfortable life. However, I’m feeling that the way my life is right now is too predictable and cliché.

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Hate, You’re Doing It Wrong

When I was a kid, I don’t remember things being quite this bad. I remember the occasional bad thing on the news or the infrequent allusion to some kind of act of hate going on in some remote corner of the globe. It wasn’t until I was 9 or 10 that my first real exposure to intolerance and racism occurred. I get that there are people who lived under the assumption that these types of things were the norm, but I grew up in a multiracial family.

My aunt is married to a great man whose skin happens to be black. They raised children that are by all conventional definitions, “normal” and whose skin is a bit darker than mine (being down in this sunny Floridian weather). After my mother and father divorced, my mother dates men of all races. In short, I have never seen the difference between different skin colors as anything but the collection of different pigments doing what pigments do.

I have dated black women, white women, Asians, Puerto-Ricans, and everything in between. Continue reading “Hate, You’re Doing It Wrong”

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Haven’t Been Around A Bit

So, recently I have been working my ass off and not really doing too much online. Well, I’m sure everyone has their tale of woe where they had to succumb to drudgery in order to make ends meet. In my instance, life has just been throwing me a few curve balls and I have been scrambling to keep up. Luckily, the money thrown around my work is substantial, and my needs are modest. The only issue is that I haven’t been able to spend as much time with my daughter and my wife as I wold like. Meh.

But, rest assured after I get caught up, I intend on making a bit of noise. Those who give a shit, stay tuned.

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Florida Is My Home

13239253_10209637913408555_9151051114070731376_nLife very rarely surprises me anymore. Once in a great while I learn something that should have been obvious from the start. Most of the time though, I knew it to begin with.

The last time I was in Florida, it was on a 3,000 mile round trip that never should have been. We left our home in Stoneboro, PA and set our sights here without a second thought, then turned back due to a number of factors, namely my past history and fears made me just fucking lose my nerve.

I was tallying the things that I need to take care of in my life the other day, when I realized something.

I’m happy. I am truly happy. I mean granted, there are things in my life that need to get better, but my life is great. I feel in touch with the creative side of me again, I feel as though everything in life is speaking to me.

The ocean speaks to me, the road speaks to me, the people speak to me, even without speaking. The Florida existence speaks to me, even the at times oppressive heat speaks to me. In PA I felt like I had to shut myself down to get things done. I had to focus, focus, focus. The job needed to be done, and I had to do it, no matter what the cost. Now the job is not that much of a priority and I can feel again.

I feel alive. Win, lose, or draw, it’s an amazing feeling to have again. The things I left behind are of no consequence to me, because I have regained something even more valuable. I have regained a sense of self. I have regained a sense of longing to live and a sense of the beautiful and aesthetic around me. I look at the sun, and I swoon. I look at the beach and I am in ecstasy. I look at the road, and I am hopeful. Life cannot possibly be better, regardless of my bank account.

I am finally myself again. Now all that remains, are the little details.

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Too Many Things

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I used to tell friends of mine, “when you study people long enough, you start to see the same faces in different people.” I’m not talking cosmetically either. I look around, and I see people I’ve known. People I’ve loved. I see these people in the new people I’ve met. Lately, I feel like this should mean something to me.

The shift in my spirituality has gone from strictly materialistic to something that strains against the borders of my perceptions. Almost as if this whole thing is a computerized simulation and I had a chance to catch a fleeting glimpse of the source code.

I say “spirituality” in a non religious sense, because truth be told if God exists, I doubt very highly that he/she is the stuff of Judeo-Christian creed. Which brings me back to the faces and people.

It seems to me that the same people start reinserting themselves into my life, just wearing different lives. There is someone I worked with in PA, and someone I work with currently, and I could swear they are the same person. Their mannerisms, their stories, everything with the exception of a few details, like age.

I’m sure right now everything seems fragmented, and to anyone reading this, I’m not sure where this is going. I don’t know if what I’m writing right now is even making sense to anyone but myself, because it barely makes sense to me. I feel like things are coming full circle. I notice certain themes repeating themselves, like the refrain of a song I heard once when drunk, and now I’m just straining to remember when all I have is a fraction of a melody.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m really happy with the way things are right now, but I feel as though I’m on the cusp of some shift in understanding. I can’t describe it. It’s essentially a moment of clarity that hasn’t quite come.

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The Trans Thing, A Facebook Discussion

Wrote a Tweet/FB Post. It got a few people talking. I dotted out the name of the one guy simply because I have no intention of being “that guy”. I don’t have an issue with him, he is after all a good dude. But, just misguided as hell. Whatever.

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My Fifth Wedding Anniversary

IMG_20140226_085638Tomorrow, January 29th, 2016 is my 5th wedding anniversary. For 1,827 beautiful days I have been bound to this absolutely gorgeous woman who, for reasons I don’t quite understand, thinks of me as a virtuous soul. I’m not. I’m an incredibly lucky soul who found the absolute end-all-be-all of my soul mate at the darkest point in my life.

My wife is quite simply the reason I have survived and am able to rant on my website like a dumbass. She is the reason I do anything. Anything. If I get up and poo in the middle of the night, it’s only because I don’t want to offend her nasal passages when I shit the bed. Believe me, I’m not above shitting the bed out of sheer laziness and pique.

If I go to work, it is to afford the things that make her happy. If I eat something, it is because she likes me and eating helps me stay alive. Could I survive without my wife? Of course I could. I wouldn’t want to.

You know how they say, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?” Bullshit. I ever lose Donna, I’m going to be useless to society because I will be so doped up to numb the pain that no-one else would want to get near me. I will lose my job and everything that makes me, me. Because none of it means ANYTHING if I don’t have my best friend to share it with.

We’ve had a weird life thus far. More good than bad, but at the same time the bad times only strengthen us as a couple. The adversity makes us more and more the members of Team Hales that we should be. I thought that my ex was the love of my life. While she was a great person, the love and affection I have for my wife makes any past relationship, including that one seem like a damp match in the midst of a planet aflame.

We’re currently going through one of the most challenging problems ever faced by us as a couple (to be truthful it’s a few problems rolled into one, and all at the same time) and I have absolute faith in our marriage and our ability to hold each other tighter in spite of the world trying their damndest to bring us apart. They’ve NEVER won and they never will.

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No woman, no man, no issue, no challenge, no anything will ever eclipse the bond I have with her. Because it goes deeper than the attraction we have for each other, it goes deeper than the sex (which is amazing), deeper than the things we have in common (which are many, though very few in comparison to our differences), deeper than our faith in one another, deeper than our responsibility as parents and adults.

Our love is based on a mutual assurance that her and I being together is the most natural thing either of us have ever done. We don’t try to be the perfect couple. We are the perfect couple for us. The relationship we have is perfect for us. We are the yin and yang.

When one of us expands, the other contracts.

When one of us needs to be held, the other has opened arms.

When one of us can’t walk, the other will carry.

I don’t care how much weight she loses or gains. I don’t care what she does, or fails to do. I don’t care what she says or fails to say. We have survived cancer, miscarriage, toxic people, rumors, gossip, bullshit, burglary, swinging, heart attacks, deaths of loved ones, nervous breakdowns, suicide attempts a million nightmares and at the end of it all, like a victorious prize fighter we stand in the center of it all, bloodied with arms raised shouting “FUCK YOU” to the world we were fighting against.

We are the spit in the face of the flower, and we are the flower itself. We are equal parts laughing gas and cyanide. We are hopeful and cynical.

We are unstoppable.

We are happy.

This fifth wedding anniversary, I Johnathan Hales want to say 3 things to everyone, publicly.

First, to YOU reading this. Find your happy. Fuck what everyone else thinks of the way you live your life. If you’re happy, then flip off your troubles and be happy. This life only gives you a finite time period to enjoy the experiences you have. Make sure they’re good ones.

Second, to my daughter Mara, you were born out of the union of two souls who wanted nothing more than to be with each other and share their love. If you every doubt your role in this universe, all you need to do is look at your mother and I, and know that you were born out of love. You were conceived out of love. And like everything else in our lives, you weren’t supposed to happen. It was a fight to have you, and when we won, all three of us, we really, really won. You were, and still are, our greatest victory. Your mother and I wear the scars of that victory proudly.

Third, to my wife, I love you. I wake up every day, and I choose to be your husband. I choose to be the man you deserve to be lying next to. I choose to be everything I can be for you until the day I die. You are everything I ever wanted in a woman, everything I could have hoped for in a wife, and everything I have never deserved to be tied to. You are a better person than I could ever hope to be, and the best person I know. You are the only one in the entirety of my life, that not once has ever been anything but solidly in my corner.

I am and always will remain your loving husband and dedicated slave.

I have never had the ability to love so much until I met you, it only seems fitting that the love I’m capable of, be given to you.

To fifty more years…

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