Quotes

That is hilarious… I actually send texts to various people just to play with them.
One went, Me- Knock Knock? Friend- Who’s there? Me- I’ve got my hands in my anus. Yet somehow I can still text. Wanna know how?”  Contact ended at this point… [Shrug]

I hate Andy Dick. And not in the funny kind of schoolyard hatred. I mean in full on, guttural, caveman, boil a child alive in axle grease hatred. The kind of hatred that gives Saddam Hussien a hard-on.

Opening your eyes to a new day with hope is like opening your nostrils to a ball of wadded shit and expecting it to smell different.

Putting your life in God’s hands is like handing a Fabergé egg to a child with buttery hands and Down’s syndrome.

My dog is a step shy of retarded, and it’s a very, VERY small step… more like an errant Lego block…

It takes very specific things to piss me off. It’s like having a stick of dynamite with a fuse that can only be ignited by whale piss. Thus, if I am angry at you or berate you, you deserve it. The rest of the time, I act angry just to get people to leave me alone.

I think it would be cool to have a dinosaur assasin. What could be cooler than to point at a your in-laws and this lanky 100 foot T-Rex just fuckin’ rips them to shreds? I’m erect just thinking about it.

Less buttons is not an excuse to text like a poorly schooled moron.

I appreciate you, you just scare my cats.

Changing of the guard, now I see two NEW retards!

Punch the child, you’ll feel better. Until it cries, then you have to punch it again. I don’t make these rules.

You say strangulation, I say foreplay.

I hate cats. I hate anything that I feed and doesn’t come when I tell it to. On a related note, I also hate your vagina.

If you were any dumber, I could collect welfare just by being related to you.

Me: No, you see I say something people laugh because I’m witty, people laugh at you because you’re a dumbass.
Her: I can’t believe you said that?!
Me: …thus reinforcing my dumbass theory.

Her: Fuck you, John!!! Me: YAY Angry sex!!!

When my dog licks her genitals, I want to kick her for innately having an ability that I would have to work insanely hard for.

Cop: Can I have your licence and registration please? Me: Sure, but can you handcuff me anyway?

You and I seriously need to sit down and discuss the parent thing, namely that I want a woman who doesn’t have any.

I refuse to take relationship advice from someone who’s chronically single. I’d rather take etiquette advice from a Nazi.

[Dog whimpers…] Me: Sissy! Shut Up!!! Is she still locked in her room? Donna: Yes. Me: Stay in your room!!!

My dog has this face that screams, “Hit me with a fucking brick…”

You’re not really “The One Who Got Away”, so much as you’re “The One Who Won’t Fucking Leave.”

“If you fuck dogs, you had better be another dog, otherwise everything gets Pink-Floyd-wierd…”

Every time you try and play a DVD I hate, my DVD drive makes a noise like a midget being anally fisted by a angry militant circus clown.

How do I get the cats that won’t bother to take the time to learn how to cover their own shit? It’s like we adopted them from Thailand or something…

When two beautiful but stupid people start dating, I immediately think, “I could be legless, armless, floating in shark infested waters with a 12 inch stab wound and not be as fucked as those kids will be…”

Protip: if you want to be left alone by the semi-sentient animals in your house, throw a fork at one of them in full view of the others. It makes them contemplate hell.

I feel so sick today, throwing up might be a good idea… Unfortunately my gag reflex is non-existent since I’ve watched Twilight…

If this were an episode of Star Trek, I would have a red uniform and be killed by now…

Ever took a shit so hard, your nose bled? Yeah, too much coffee…

Just had a Jedi Force power moment… My dog shook her head and I saw a blob of drool the size of a blaster bolt head for my skull, and I backed my head up, narrowly missing it. I felt like Jet Li if he were given a lightsaber… Win…

I’m so annoyed with Playboy anymore. Give me a woman with meat on her bones, that look’s like she enjoys a meal… If I wanted to have sex with something that looks like a 12 year old korean boy, I would order one…

Just FYI; if you are female, my sexual prowess is greater than that of your b/f, significant other/husband; if you are male, my prowess is greater than you… That is all…

I farted so bad, my cat left the room…

Farts are sonic and olfactory gifts from the one true god who grows farts in his glen of flatulence, then he magics them down to your colon where you may then share them with your friends and have a hearty laugh… I’m just sayin…

Given the rising costs of living, the cycle of inflation and the current perspective on pair bonding, I would have to say that I like Skittles better than M&M’s… One less thing to think about…

I’ve learned many things today, for example: when you scream “fuck” in your backyard, living next to a church, the pastor will invariably come over… Also, a piece of split wood is completely capable of scaring the shit out of a cat…

I think if I saw an epileptic in a bathtub, I’d throw my laundry in…

I was told I should be nicer. I didn’t shoot them in the face for saying so. That’s nice, isn’t it?

My dog is hanging over her chair, half of her body is on it, and the other half is standing on the floor… It’s like she’s ambivalent about how lazy she wants to be today…

The more I watch Paranormal Activity, the more I wish the dude dumped the chick in the beginning of the film… Thus, he doesn’t die, you don’t waste an hour and a half of your life… We all win, except for her who gets haunted by a demon for the rest of her life. But her character is a bitch and bitches aren’t people…

I haven’t met anyone yet who could conceivably be able to stand 10 minutes in my mind without significant mental damage…

Whenever my dog pees or poops she looks like she has spina bifida or something…

I just got a meat patty thrown at me… She’s sitting there giggling… “til death do we part…” It just became a promise…

If I was in porn, the name of the movie would be called “Innies”. Thanks, genetics…

Why does my dog sound so loud when she’s licking herself? It’s like she has an internal PA system that switches on when she autofellates herself. It’s actually pretty annoying… And you’re welcome for the visual…

Forgive me, but based on the cavalier attitude you present in the conversation we’ve just had, I can assume you have never been in a relationship, nor have you been able to persuade a female into tolerating long enough to engage in coitus. This is as nice as I can be on the subject. Thank you.

Morning all… The flowers and the trees, the sky and sun. Wow, I almost feel reborn! I want to dance in the sunlight and not be cynical… Turn that frown upside-down. Pet cats and shit. Oh, fuck it, just kick a puppy…And a nun. A nun-puppy. Yeah…

A moment at my house. “Where’s my hoodie?” Her reply, “It’s in the bedroom, no wait. It’s in the dryer. No wait it’s on the floor!” When did the question, “Where is my hoodie?” become an M. Night Shyamalan movie?

I love you too baby. I can’t wait to have 1,000s of yummy kids with you, and I say yummy because I plan on eating them.

I like WOW, but reality compels me to enjoy sex more…

Of the 5 stages of grief, I think I enjoy ANGER the most…

A model said she wanted to be in Playboy to “bring something new” to it. and I find myself thinking, does she have 3 or 4 breasts? Get naked, get paid, get out…

“They say the secret to happiness is Good Food, Good Sex and Good Friends… I suppose the fact that I can’t boil water, I last 2 seconds and all I know are assholes explains SO much…” – lulz Sometimes when I write, I amaze myself…

Why do all doctor’s offices smell the same? It’s like shame and optimism… Depressing…

I’m just gonna flat out say it… Some people need their fuckin’ ass kicked… And if I had a hankering for prison, I’d do it myself… Fact is, I have a pretty mouth, I’d be fist-fucked on the bus on the WAY to prison… Unless someone has a ski-mask and a bat they wouldn’t mind lending…

You say intoxication, I say “imbibing the ability to stand annoying mother fuckers…”

Interesting, a sledgehammer will rebound when applied to a dog’s head…

You say alcoholism, I say catalyst for good decision making…

Upon entering the waiting room, “Stand back, I’m judging people.” I’m so popular right now…

Gotta trim mah nose hairs. I look like a fucking party favor…

I hate when I’m with Kurt Kobain and he shoots himself in the face… Oh well, whatever, nevermind…

Q: Will you fight me? A: Yes. Until you start winning. Then I’ll just stab you with whatever’s handy.

Given the choice of personal growth and a shit-load of money, I would choose money. I’ve grown enough, provided sideways is a direction…

I drink to quiet the voices telling me to take a chainsaw to the elderly… I’m just sayin’…

I hate it when you pose a rhetorical question and someone incredibly stupid thinks they are smart enough to answer said rhetorical question… Makes you wonder who you pissed off in a previous life to have to deal with such rampant idiots…

I think my next door neighbor’s dog should be put to sleep. With a bat and a dull cooking spoon. Then displayed at a pound for discipline…

The taller you stand, the more people want to see you lying down. So I sit. It’s not submission, it’s not dominance, it’s that happy medium of relaxation. The rest of you can fight and bicker, I’ve got porn to download…

Joe Biden said ‘Fuck’ and it’s FRONT PAGE NEWS in NY. This whole country should collectively kill ourselves.

If Donna’s cat had the ability to hover, he would look like an electron with a head…

I started drumming on my desk REALLY fast and the only word going through my head was, “CCOOOOOFFFFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

Ever wake up and wonder why your asshole hurts, then actually think to yourself, “Am I secretly gay???”

Technology Fact: Double checking my outgoing emails may prevent me from looking like a gigantic idiot…

You call it AIDS, I call it weaponized semen…

Thank god im drunk, or id firebomb this funeral home…

I hate u. I hate u. I hate u…

Lesbians are people too… yummy yummy people…

Me: Honey, do you love me? Donna: Eh… Me: Come on! I need an ego boost here! Donna: You’re not bad.

Question: If I stabbed you in the face with a rusty screwdriver, before calling the cops wouldn’t you take me seriously for a few seconds?

Who the FUCK is this douche bag in my home, laughing like a prison rapist and smelling of patchouli and bong water?

Alcoholism runs in my family… Thank god I have SOMETHING going for me… *glug glug*

Debating on drinking a 5th of Jack and drunk driving into a pregnant lady…

My stupid dog was trying to eat a nail… Darwin was right…

Apparently, I tried to fuck Donna in front of a nurse, tried to sleep with another nurse, walked around naked, puked on everything that would have cost something to replace, and the fucked up cherry on the fucked up sundae, I passed out in the bathtub where I proceeded to throw up on my cats… I. Am. Awesome…

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